next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
