why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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