I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
