all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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