I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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