If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
