So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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