there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
