Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
