I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
We don't watch enough power rangers
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
