WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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