Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Randomize
