you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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