Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
