im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
