ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
