he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
