I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
