I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I am naked and annoyed.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
