I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
