I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
