I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
