did you get engaged???
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
