New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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