I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
