Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
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