Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
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