Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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