The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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