SEEEEXXX PLEASE
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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