So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
