I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
