Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
birth control should be required to get into college
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
