all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
