$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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