"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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