i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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