Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
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Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
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Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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