you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
my poor anus
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
