i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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