alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
