If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
