All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
