Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
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