Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Randomize
