So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
