God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize