I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
