we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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