I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
