Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
i believe in u and ur pee
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