my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
